Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
10 Things I Didn't Know I Didn't Know
So everybody tells you all sorts of stuff about having babies and things; however, I've started noticing the real hole in the man market as far as having babies goes. It was on the two hour, six-mile drive to work (thank you Portland ice-drivers) that I decided to embark on a truth journey with you, the faithful readers of our sometimes blog—From a man perspective. What that in mind, I thought it wise to start tellin' it like it is. This evening: 10 Things I Didn't Know I Didn't Know—By David Ewald (parts 10-6).
10) They Will Bring You Shame
When you go to a class to learn all about latching, pumping and 'the let-down' - they will hand you a plastic baby. Unlike the animatronic ones on the TV, these babies don't fuss and pee on you; rather, they are very sterile, plastic representations your little baby-to-be. What was so unexpected, and frankly difficult, was removing our baby from "the football hold" and seeing a permanent, molded look of disgust peering back at us. As opposed to the other, happier babies, we got stuck with the angry babydoll. And while this made absolute sense to us (see also: lottery tickets, carnival games, every sport), we couldn't let go of the thought that we were being punished.
Perhaps it says more about us, but it was difficult to shake the guilt that somehow, someway, with the beady little glance back at us - we had failed this toy - and by extension our baby. His eyes reminded us how little we knew and of the heavy, hungry price he would have to pay as a result.
9) What They Mean by Miracle
I know I'm a pig, or a dog, and perhaps heretic for even considering this; but I think there's a marketing scheme going on here. There's something natural, beautiful and gaussian-blurry about breastfeeding your baby. While I'm pretty far outside the target market for all this stuff, I think what they mean is that we're lucky to be human. And for me, it's less about engorging, nipple confusion and colostrum, but more about opposable thumbs and advanced brain function. We're the only animal in the world to invent the Avent© Isis Duo Twin Electric Breast Pump and LilyPadz© Non-Absorbent Nursing Pads. Don't get me wrong, I see the beauty in all the nature things; but the real soft-focused miracle is in our ability to invent stuff to market and sell to make it all naturally better for you, and most importantly your baby.
8) What They Mean by Friends
We're at an age where circles of friends naturally expand during things like Breast Feeding Basics courses. And while I think we both really want to find new friends in our adopted home of Portland, things keep getting in the way. In our case, it was the oddly paired old man, younger lady couple next to us with the plastic Asian baby. During the question & answer period of the thing, the ONE question she asked (out of all the many possible things associated with helping your baby survive in this world): "Umm yes...Will my cats try to drink my breast milk?"
7) They Will Pull at Your Heartstrings
No matter what, they will always have at least one slide, trifold brochure, flyer or web banner with a baby in sunglasses. It will always work, and we will always buy or do whatever they are telling us. Always.
6) You Will Have Many Wrong Turns
There's just no way around it, you're going to come up with some questionable names. Fight through it - you'll arrive at the real ones. My favorites from the names left behind - Bones, Kirk, Boozy, Collisus, Jax, Lilwayne, Kip and Grandma. Apologies ahead of time if those names were on your hopeful list. We passed all of them up.
10) They Will Bring You Shame
When you go to a class to learn all about latching, pumping and 'the let-down' - they will hand you a plastic baby. Unlike the animatronic ones on the TV, these babies don't fuss and pee on you; rather, they are very sterile, plastic representations your little baby-to-be. What was so unexpected, and frankly difficult, was removing our baby from "the football hold" and seeing a permanent, molded look of disgust peering back at us. As opposed to the other, happier babies, we got stuck with the angry babydoll. And while this made absolute sense to us (see also: lottery tickets, carnival games, every sport), we couldn't let go of the thought that we were being punished.
Perhaps it says more about us, but it was difficult to shake the guilt that somehow, someway, with the beady little glance back at us - we had failed this toy - and by extension our baby. His eyes reminded us how little we knew and of the heavy, hungry price he would have to pay as a result.
9) What They Mean by Miracle
I know I'm a pig, or a dog, and perhaps heretic for even considering this; but I think there's a marketing scheme going on here. There's something natural, beautiful and gaussian-blurry about breastfeeding your baby. While I'm pretty far outside the target market for all this stuff, I think what they mean is that we're lucky to be human. And for me, it's less about engorging, nipple confusion and colostrum, but more about opposable thumbs and advanced brain function. We're the only animal in the world to invent the Avent© Isis Duo Twin Electric Breast Pump and LilyPadz© Non-Absorbent Nursing Pads. Don't get me wrong, I see the beauty in all the nature things; but the real soft-focused miracle is in our ability to invent stuff to market and sell to make it all naturally better for you, and most importantly your baby.
8) What They Mean by Friends
We're at an age where circles of friends naturally expand during things like Breast Feeding Basics courses. And while I think we both really want to find new friends in our adopted home of Portland, things keep getting in the way. In our case, it was the oddly paired old man, younger lady couple next to us with the plastic Asian baby. During the question & answer period of the thing, the ONE question she asked (out of all the many possible things associated with helping your baby survive in this world): "Umm yes...Will my cats try to drink my breast milk?"
7) They Will Pull at Your Heartstrings
No matter what, they will always have at least one slide, trifold brochure, flyer or web banner with a baby in sunglasses. It will always work, and we will always buy or do whatever they are telling us. Always.
6) You Will Have Many Wrong Turns
There's just no way around it, you're going to come up with some questionable names. Fight through it - you'll arrive at the real ones. My favorites from the names left behind - Bones, Kirk, Boozy, Collisus, Jax, Lilwayne, Kip and Grandma. Apologies ahead of time if those names were on your hopeful list. We passed all of them up.
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